*A note, I ran this by Kyle before posting, he deemed it risque and funny. So don't say you weren't warned.
1.
This scripture. It
is at the beginning, how could I have never read this?!?!? Every Old Testament
lesson seems to omit this scripture…
2.
Birth smells. Like seriously where did ALL that
smell come from? There is no way there was enough room in there for that smell.
I think that was like 10 of the 15 pounds I gained.
3.
All the blood. OK I knew it wouldn't be all
clean neat and tidy but wow. My sheets look like I am covering up a murder; I
would hate to have seen the load pre-washing. And it doesn't stop there, oh
heavens no. For weeks it was like I was competing with the baby who can soil
themselves more, pads and diapers were about even in the garbage.
4.
You don’t just become a mom overnight just
because you've had a baby…not even a month later. I haven’t been OK with blood
EVER, I see it and instantly I am checking to see if the place has a basement.
But moms are OK with everything, and now I am a mom so therefore I am OK with
it. Wrong. When the doctor asks if you want to wait in the other room during a
circumcision don’t say no, you can’t handle it, you aren't prepared. If you are
stupid enough to stay, when they offer you a stool, don’t say no, that is their
way of saying you are pale and we don’t have a basement so there is no point in
checking. Your mother is only good with blood after years of practice; and you
don’t get that over night.
5.
Pocket contents change. Before a baby they were
clean and were used to store needful things. Post baby, they become the place
your baby keeps puke.
6.
TV and movies lie. I had my suspicions at
various times in my life, but all became clear when within a few minutes of
saying “I don’t think I’m in labor, it looks different in movies, you get faked
out a couple times then at a comically inconvenient time you have the baby for
real” my water breaks and I feel the need to push. TV your lies almost meant
delivering my first child alone. Next time I listen to my body. HOWEVER….
7.
TV and movies depicting various body part
spontaneously exploding that you think there is no way that would ever happen,
become true and real. Hello day 3 engorgement! So that’s what stretch marks
feel like when they grow. Any liquid trickling feeling will be followed by
tears and screams of “They have exploded! I feel blood running down my front”.
Bested again….well played TV, well played.
8.
Things leak, even before a baby comes out. “Why
is my shirt so wet? Am I so lazy I no longer dry myself enough after a shower?
What the what??? Body we are still pregnant there are still MONTHS before baby
why are you leaking colostrum?” And that isn't the worst of it…
9.
Sleep anytime after the second trimester is more
make believe than Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy combined. However the
toilet seat is always warm during the third trimester, so there’s that.
10.
The first few days after birth when you pee it
is like Austin Powersafter being thawed….where did it all come from? Seriously body where did
you find all this liquid? I don’t remember drinking Lake Ontario.
11.
Hormones will make you cry out things you are
really feeling, followed by “said no one ever” because somewhere under all
those tears and hormones is the logical brain you used to have and a funny bone
that nothing will break. Examples? “Why do my boobs have to grow so big? I like
them small. A is better than D”, “I wish I was still in the early days of post
delivery because then you could go to the store and buy me a surprise.”, and
best of all “These contractions don’t hurt enough, I am never having this
baby”. That last one was seriously said 30 minutes before delivering Henry
while trying not to push him out on the hallway floor.
12.
The two words you will use to describe your body
post baby? Painfully pornographic. Seriously how did all those ladies on
Baywatch run down the beach and still smile?
13.
No matter how much you love your baby, you still
love sleep. Yes you will hear your baby cry at an hour than should only be
followed by pm and you will pull the covers over your head and say “Nope not
dealing with this I am sleeping”.
14.
That silly book you loved, Go The F To Sleep,
will become a painful reminder/detailed journal of your life. However this will
not stop you from keeping the audio book of it, as read by Samuel L Jackson ,
on a playlist that your baby sleeps with. “Who knew our baby would listen to
Samuel L Jackson and just go the f to sleep” will be said and it will make you
feel like a bad parent. However…
15.
Anything that makes you feel like a bad parent
will at least 50% of the time be punctuated with “but who cares because the
baby is sleeping”. Example? “The book says not to leave them alone in your bed
in your covers. But who cares he is sleeping and I can finally pee and eat and
maybe sleep”.
16.
You will look at your husband and seriously feel
the need to kill him. You love him and you created life with him and you need
him now more than ever. However looking over as he sleeps while you nurse a
screaming baby who just puked on your freshly showered body and pooped in your
hand while your nipple sprayed down anything within 5 feet of you including
very puzzlingly things BEHIND you, the thought crosses your mind that you could
kill him right here in bed and not even ruin your sheets. After all they
already look like you murdered someone.
17.
Stretch marks. You can be happy all you want
about the fact there are none on your belly but when your chest looks like you
were attacked by a bear…it is little consolation.
18.
You will realize that even though all these not
very nice things happen (and many countless more) you are over the moon in love
with this person you just met but you feel like you have known forever. You
will understand the meaning of love and mother bear. You will cry because every
day brings new growth and you just want that little baby forever. Getting up in
the middle of the night for feedings won’t be so bad because it is the time
when you and your husband find that quiet moment together and cuddle. You
realize you are truly happy.
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