A Dish Best Served Cold

Ah revenge. There are times we love and times we hate. For now it is hate.

Dear readers, know that I have felt of your cursings of my name. My mom once told me that no matter what happened to me I always came out smelling like roses. Every time things look bad they end up totally the opposite. Case in point Henry. I was huge while pregnant, and was told many times that I was all baby. However in the end he was small and everything went fast and pretty well painless. Now this is where you come in. You read my funny blog posts, you curse me and my birth story, you cry out in the night "why, why her? why does she have it so perfect?". You see me out looking back to my pre-pregnancy self and think I have it pretty good.

However things are not all "farting sunshine and rainbows" as I once put it. Your revenge has been served and believe me it is not pretty.

I had a small tear when I had Henry and I never knew what all was happening "down there" because I figured if I looked it would look like a cooked pizza thrown on the floor all messy and such. I didn't need to see that. So after a few weeks and several good washings (in case it was all pizza like) I looked. I seen a sore. Yep nothing shocking there. However I was 6 weeks postpartum and still in pain, so I had the midwife do an exam. You know things are going down hill when, after giving you a mirror so you can point out the sore spot, she says "oh my, you don't need to show me, I can definitely see where you are sore". I have a granuloma. Apparently some women get these after childbirth. In case you aren't one of those few it looks like an open sore but feels like a good hard crusty callus. What it FEELS like is an inability to sit or pee or do anything that involves the slightest touch. Pain thy name is granuloma.

At this point my Mom asks "so how long did the midwife say till it clears up?". Haha revenge has a sense of humor  The answer is never on its own. I can look forward to years of pain if not taken care of. Ok so get it taken care of, done called the doctor for an exam and hopefully we can do something about this. Want to know what that something is? They freeze the area, ah yes nothing like 2 needles to your delicate flower. Oh but wait there is more! Then they cut or burn it off. Oh what joys I shall think that to be! Then it will be silvered to cauterize the area. I can only imagine the pure joy and happy feelings I will have after that.

Know that I now feel your smiles and hear your joyous sounds as you thank whom ever you called upon to curse me while saying "ah ha ha so it isn't so great in her world!"

*I sent this to Kyle before posting, his comment was "even with that you are still farting rainbows".

Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Pregnant & Had A Baby:

*A note, I ran this by Kyle before posting, he deemed it risque and funny. So don't say you weren't warned.

1.       This scripture. It is at the beginning, how could I have never read this?!?!? Every Old Testament lesson seems to omit this scripture…

2.       Birth smells. Like seriously where did ALL that smell come from? There is no way there was enough room in there for that smell. I think that was like 10 of the 15 pounds I gained.

3.       All the blood. OK I knew it wouldn't be all clean neat and tidy but wow. My sheets look like I am covering up a murder; I would hate to have seen the load pre-washing. And it doesn't stop there, oh heavens no. For weeks it was like I was competing with the baby who can soil themselves more, pads and diapers were about even in the garbage.

4.       You don’t just become a mom overnight just because you've had a baby…not even a month later. I haven’t been OK with blood EVER, I see it and instantly I am checking to see if the place has a basement. But moms are OK with everything, and now I am a mom so therefore I am OK with it. Wrong. When the doctor asks if you want to wait in the other room during a circumcision don’t say no, you can’t handle it, you aren't prepared. If you are stupid enough to stay, when they offer you a stool, don’t say no, that is their way of saying you are pale and we don’t have a basement so there is no point in checking. Your mother is only good with blood after years of practice; and you don’t get that over night.

5.       Pocket contents change. Before a baby they were clean and were used to store needful things. Post baby, they become the place your baby keeps puke.

6.       TV and movies lie. I had my suspicions at various times in my life, but all became clear when within a few minutes of saying “I don’t think I’m in labor, it looks different in movies, you get faked out a couple times then at a comically inconvenient time you have the baby for real” my water breaks and I feel the need to push. TV your lies almost meant delivering my first child alone. Next time I listen to my body. HOWEVER….

7.       TV and movies depicting various body part spontaneously exploding that you think there is no way that would ever happen, become true and real. Hello day 3 engorgement! So that’s what stretch marks feel like when they grow. Any liquid trickling feeling will be followed by tears and screams of “They have exploded! I feel blood running down my front”. Bested again….well played TV, well played.

8.       Things leak, even before a baby comes out. “Why is my shirt so wet? Am I so lazy I no longer dry myself enough after a shower? What the what??? Body we are still pregnant there are still MONTHS before baby why are you leaking colostrum?”  And that isn't the worst of it…

9.       Sleep anytime after the second trimester is more make believe than Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy combined. However the toilet seat is always warm during the third trimester, so there’s that.

10.   The first few days after birth when you pee it is like Austin Powersafter being thawed….where did it all come from? Seriously body where did you find all this liquid? I don’t remember drinking Lake Ontario.

11.   Hormones will make you cry out things you are really feeling, followed by “said no one ever” because somewhere under all those tears and hormones is the logical brain you used to have and a funny bone that nothing will break. Examples? “Why do my boobs have to grow so big? I like them small. A is better than D”, “I wish I was still in the early days of post delivery because then you could go to the store and buy me a surprise.”, and best of all “These contractions don’t hurt enough, I am never having this baby”. That last one was seriously said 30 minutes before delivering Henry while trying not to push him out on the hallway floor.

12.   The two words you will use to describe your body post baby? Painfully pornographic. Seriously how did all those ladies on Baywatch run down the beach and still smile?

13.   No matter how much you love your baby, you still love sleep. Yes you will hear your baby cry at an hour than should only be followed by pm and you will pull the covers over your head and say “Nope not dealing with this I am sleeping”.

14.   That silly book you loved, Go The F To Sleep, will become a painful reminder/detailed journal of your life. However this will not stop you from keeping the audio book of it, as read by Samuel L Jackson , on a playlist that your baby sleeps with. “Who knew our baby would listen to Samuel L Jackson and just go the f to sleep” will be said and it will make you feel like a bad parent. However…

15.   Anything that makes you feel like a bad parent will at least 50% of the time be punctuated with “but who cares because the baby is sleeping”. Example? “The book says not to leave them alone in your bed in your covers. But who cares he is sleeping and I can finally pee and eat and maybe sleep”.

16.   You will look at your husband and seriously feel the need to kill him. You love him and you created life with him and you need him now more than ever. However looking over as he sleeps while you nurse a screaming baby who just puked on your freshly showered body and pooped in your hand while your nipple sprayed down anything within 5 feet of you including very puzzlingly things BEHIND you, the thought crosses your mind that you could kill him right here in bed and not even ruin your sheets. After all they already look like you murdered someone.

17.   Stretch marks. You can be happy all you want about the fact there are none on your belly but when your chest looks like you were attacked by a bear…it is little consolation.

18.   You will realize that even though all these not very nice things happen (and many countless more) you are over the moon in love with this person you just met but you feel like you have known forever. You will understand the meaning of love and mother bear. You will cry because every day brings new growth and you just want that little baby forever. Getting up in the middle of the night for feedings won’t be so bad because it is the time when you and your husband find that quiet moment together and cuddle. You realize you are truly happy.

From Noodle to Henry James

So Noodle remained Noodle till Sunday evening when the midwife informed us that she needed a name for the health card. So how did it end up Henry James?

We had a list of names. Not quite as long as girl names but still decent. We knew he would be a ginger and picked names that would suit a ginger. Sunday the 6th we were filling out his memory book and came to the section about his name. We didn't fill it out but talked about the name more. It was decided, Arthur Douglas. We would hold out telling everyone until he was here but we had his name to welcome him. I felt better, I had been a little sad that he didn't have a name picked out. However I did slip the little scrap of paper with name ideas into my blue folder with all my midwife records, you know just in case.

Well when the midwives announced he had dark hair, the Arthur Douglas balloon popped and we were left without a name. We just kept calling him Noodle. It's what we were used to. We couldn't help but call him Noodle, but that can't be his legal name, we aren't weird like that.

When my eyes first locked on his the first name that came to mind from my list was Henry. Henry James. But I knew Kyle wasn't a fan when I put that name on my list so I didn't say anything. That's my thing really, I never tell Kyle anything. Then I feel bad and tell him and all along he feels the same way but won't tell me. But we will still go through this dance every time we make a decision. Jessica emails Saturday to send us a list of names, Henry is on that list, Kyle doesn't like it. My parents come over and Dad says James Henry. Kyle still doesn't like it. Mom calls when they get home, they like Henry James or James Henry. I don't even bother telling Kyle they say this. People are waiting on facebook, people are calling on the phone. What is babys name? Uhh Noodle.... we can't decide. All along we thought it would be easy, he would come out and tell us what his name was. I guess he told me but Kyle hadn't gotten that memo.

Sunday comes and we know the midwife will be here at some point and ask. So while Jess is doing something out of our room (I don't know what, I was still on bed rest), Kyle and I talk. I tell him it is Henry. He is Henry. Kyle says ok. I say I am not sure, after all Kyle's reaction was ok, not yes I know it is. So we leave it there for that moment. We don't know any Henrys so the name isn't soured and that also means it is still somewhat unique while also being classic and traditional. And as for James, that is after my Dad and Kyle's grandpa (both named Donald James if you can believe it) it has always been on the list of names (it was once upon a time what Jess and I would call our imaginary brother that we never did get even after asking Santa a million times).

The midwife comes and hands me the form, I put everything else down. I look at Kyle. "Henry James?". "Yes". I write it, paying very special attention to not spell it wrong. I regret it immediately, what if Kyle wasn't so OK with the name?

That night, after all our company leaves I sit with Kyle and tell him that I knew his name was Henry James from the second I looked at him. He assures me that it is a great name and suits him.

The Fast and The Not So Furious

So Noodle was born and became Henry James. He is amazing and awesome and can poop like nobodies business (seriously, 2 weeks old and over 200 diapers... welcome to the poor house!).

So Thursday the 10th I hosted book club, towards the end I was feeling some contractions but only a couple and I had been like this for a week so I shrugged it off. I slept through the night, so Friday morning I knew it wasn't labor  If there is one thing I knew it was that you can't sleep through labor  So I got up and had breakfast and a shower (I had been having a shower every morning just in case). I decided that the baby would be here soon enough so I would take the time to straighten my hair. I had a couple of contractions standing there, but hey I was standing so of course I would feel gravity working a bit, no biggie. NOT IN LABOR  I emailed Kyle to tell him I was still contracting but that it was ok they weren't painful and didn't take away from my day and were not regular. In fact while I was sitting at the computer I took the time to email Mamaz back to say that it wouldn't be that day, and that I would probably make it to my next midwife appointment on Monday.
At 1 I laid down for my typical 1.5 hour nap time (also just in case). That's when I decided to start timing my contractions, just for fun. I WAS NOT IN LABOR  They were about 2 minutes long and 8 minutes apart on average. I emailed Kyle about this. He said that I probably had lots of time. By 3 they weren't letting up, but they weren't exactly regular either. So I sucked it up and called Mamaz to talk to Nurse Jessica about the whole thing. She said that it sounded weird because they are suppose to start short and get up to 1 minute long. I could talk and be normal so I assured them that it probably wouldn't be till the next day, I was so not having a baby that day. It was a Friday after all, and it was raining. Blah. However just to cover all my bases I called Heather, who was going to be taking the birth photos to say that maybe tonight I would need her. I emailed Kyle again around 4 saying that I was not in labor but that I was not feeling very well and therefor it was obvious that we weren't having pizza and watching a movie. His response was "that is not obvious, I am still having pizza".
Kyle got home from work at 5:20 and said he was going to go look in the drive way for the keys he lost out there during all that snow on boxing day. He came in shortly after 5:30 and I was REALLY grumpy by then. Maybe...MAYBE I was in labor. So I wandered around the house till 6 at which point I said he should call the midwife because I was finally admitting that I was in labor. Still no real pain, just contractions. Still not regular, still 2 minutes long and 8 minutes apart on average. But I was concerned because sometimes they were up to 4 minutes long and 10 minutes apart. She assessed me over the phone and said I was still a ways off to have a gravol for my nausea and get in a hot bath and relax. So I did just that. If I was still feeling ill in an hour I was to call her back and we would make a plan from there. During this call we informed her that even though my iron was up we weren't confident with my low platelets so we wanted to go to the hospital for the birth.
Then things go sideways.
It was 6:20 when I got in the bath. BAD CONTRACTION. I was uncomfortable, and I blamed it on being in the tub. I was fine in bed and I was fine walking. Then another. I decide that I am getting the drugs when we get to the hospital, there is no stopping me. Then it is 6:30 and I feel a snap and a bad contraction and then my body is screaming push. OH CRAP.
Kyle says it hasn't been an hour, but I make him call the midwife back, I am going to the hospital NOW! My water has broke in the bath tub, which really is the best place. He calls and says we are on our way to the hospital, leaving me alone in the bathroom to get out of our extra deep tub all the while trying my hardest to go against nature and not push the baby out. I get out and on to the floor. Dragging the towel behind me I make it crawling to the hallway. Kyle is now off the phone, midwife on the way to the hospital, and I inform him that the baby is coming right here and now. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Double crap. So he calls the midwife back and says change of plans the baby is coming now and there is no making it out of the house. He gives her the address and hangs up. I call for him to call Heather, he forgot all about her in the excitement.
I lay having a couple more contractions in the hallway waiting for the midwife. I hear the door open. Excellent! I put my legs up on the door frames on either side of the hall and push. Crap false alarm, it is Heather. She got here before the midwives. I quickly change back to my holding position.
It's now 7 and finally the midwives get here. They set up some of their things, start writing, ask Kyle to do some running around the house preparing things, and get me into bed. Finally time to push. First push and they announce "we have dark hair". BAH. There goes my push. I lay back and think how I was so sure he was a ginger. I push a couple more times and am shocked with how there is no pain.
7:30. Then shocked again as they place Noodle on my chest. Arthur Douglas goes out the window, this kid isn't a ginger. He is a mini Kyle. I can't even think of a name. I can't even think at all. I am in shock. I am scared, I remember the reason why we were going to the hospital, I could be bleeding out. I don't even have an iv started. The midwives are smiling and inform me that I haven't really bled at all. I cover him in the blanket so fast they ask if I don't want to check and make sure it is indeed a boy. I don't even care to look, who would care, my baby is here and he is happy and healthy and best of all I am OK  I focus on Noodle, loose focus as I see something shiny. Oh crap that's a needle and it is heading right for my leg. It hurts, a lot more than having a baby but hey I can look at my baby. Kyle cuts the cord and things are done in a blur around me. They get out all my pillows and some warm blankets and get me sitting up and tucked in. This is my favorite part. I am warm and feel comfortable in my own bed. Kyle and I are left to have some moments alone with Noodle. Still no name....this is making me upset but I am still in shock because I went from "I'm not in labor" to "hello I don't have a name for you" so fast.
When the midwives come back they inform me that I have a small tear but that they feel it will hold closed and stitches aren't needed. Did I want the stitches anyways? Ummmmm...... NO. So I was ordered to bed rest for a couple days and then to keep my legs closed as much as possible to heal.
Before the last midwife left at the end of the night she tells me "Next time, we come on the first call". I think, next time I won't be so foolish, I will tell them in the first call I want them there. I won't be so foolish in telling Kyle not to worry that I am not in labor.

Boy Oh Boy

So Kyle and I have always known we wanted to know the gender of our children ahead of time, this mainly because I hate surprises but also because I need to be prepared for everything WAY ahead of time.

So we found out the gender of Noodle. I might add that at my 20 week mark the ultrasound place was booked solid and I had to wait that extra week, yes it almost killed me.

At 9 weeks when I first heard the heartbeat I told Kyle it was a boy, I just knew it. But then I had time to change my mind and forced feelings of girl. Forcing feelings does not change a baby's gender. A few days before the appointment Kyle and I both admitted that we knew the baby to be a boy.

So Monday comes, I haven't slept and I am sick with anticipation, and we hear those words that we knew were coming, "It's a boy".

But that's where the story gets good because what came out next will keep this boy at home till he is 30.

"He isn't shy to show it either".....

As the tech says this, Noddle goes ahead and proves just how true a statement this is and places his gender against the viewer for all the world to see. A moment of "Oh dear, I just had to marry Kyle and have his son. A new regret for my life. This boy IS his father." Followed by a couple more "Hey look at me guys, look at this thing" and assorted shots of him grabbing his feet and being VERY active (active and not shy, not a good combination) and we were done. Kyle with a huge grin on his face because he has made himself a mini me. And me thinking the rest of my life is going to be crazy, and maybe when there is time to reflect, funny.

My new mantra?

"Heavenly Father chooses his most choice daughters of all to bring his next generation of priesthood holders into this world"....right?

On Decorating

I don't have an eye for decorating. I can't even match colours, though that is because I can't tell the difference between shades most times. Colours can be ever so tricky that way. So I am rarely called upon for say in colours, and to that end I can feel a little left out on the whole house renovations. I can't lift and help much because I am pregnant and get tired very shortly into a job and I can't even sit back and help being terrible with colours.

However Kyle came up with a way for me to help. He would choose the colours for a room (though I do have a bit of a say, such as "I like light green") and we would make up a theme for that room so I could decorate with little touches. I am turning out to be quite good at that.

So what are the themes?

Master Bedroom - Art Gallery

Nursery (girl) - Botanical Gardens

Nursery (boy) - Under the Sea Space (think octopus in space)

Main Bathroom - Evil Queen

Kitchen - Tropical Oasis

Laundry Room - Department of Missing Socks (think silly British office)

And You Are??.....

So flipping back to pre-announcement but still pregnant, so not too far. Kyle and I were at church on a Sunday (because it would look funny on Friday) and a gentlemen asks if he could sit with us. Kyle invited him in (squeezing me to the inner-most part of the pew) and proceeded to chat with him about all the questions he had all the way through the sacrament meeting. I guess Kyle is taking his new calling as ward missionary seriously, which I find odd but hey times they are a changin'.

Unfortunately being in that inner-most spot meant I would have to wait out their conversation to go to Sunday school. And that's when it happened.

A missionary (able to smell non-members at 100 paces) comes and sits directly ahead of me and asks who Kyle is speaking to. I said it was just a gentlemen who sat with us and from what I was to take from the conversation he wasn't a member. Continuing a conversation that, now looking back is funny but at the time made me want to cry, the missionary asks:

"And you are?....Kyle's friend?...."

"No I am his wife."

"Oh..... Kyle never said he had a wife...."

Oy. Sitting there, his wife of 5 years and 8 months, just short of 3 months pregnant with his child, being told he never speaks of a wife. Harsh.

So Kyle's out look on this?? First the cover, "Well I don't talk much to the missionaries so why would I just say I have a wife.". Then the hurt of his own "It's a family ward. Do I look over 30?!?!"

There were many snacks that day. Sugar heals all wounds, right?

Noodle

So here's Noodle, or I guess more rightly, here was Noodle at 12 weeks.

So how does a baby get the name Noodle? No we don't know it's a boy, or are hoping it's a boy.

I once read a blog about a couple who named their unborn babies food names. They did fruit, which I thought was applicable since I sell fruit. Kyle thought that was lame, there should be a reason behind the food we picked. So we sat in the kitchen one night discussing what we could call the baby that would be a memory and meaningful. I am sure we will have at least 1 more night of this when Noodle needs an outside name.

A couple weeks before early pregnancy caught up with me. I was feeling good all day, so I decided for the first time in a couple weeks to make dinner. It was glorious. Spaghetti and garlic bread and sauce with cheese in it. Just what I wanted. I enjoyed my meal, I even had a whole bowl full (now I am more of a 2 bite and can I be finished dinner eater). The second that last bite went down, I felt "that old fashioned feeling". Tongue pulled back tight, stomach rock solid. Oh no. I got up quick and made the run for it.

*Side bar, why did I buy a house with the dining room on one end and the bathroom clear at the other?

I got to the bathroom just in time. A burp. Fantastic. I hate running. Nope wait, yep I was right. So I make a quick call on the porcelain phone before yelling for Kyle. He came strolling in, as I was making another call, like nothing was wrong. Lucky for me he didn't have a weak stomach that night, because he cleaned me up and helped me to the couch after a few more calls. Though he did miss the spot of sauce on the side of the bowl, which did sit there until a week ago.

So flash forward to a meaningful memory name. "Hey you first puked spaghetti (like this is news for me?) why not something like that?" Ummmm..... spaghetti? Garlic bread? No. Noodle?Perfect.

Just a couple days longer and the name would have been Yellow Sugar Plum. Apparently 7 of those is not a tolerable number, or maybe Noodle just really hated the movie Horrible Bosses (I know I did).

The worst part of the whole experience, besides dinner in reverse, was we weren't telling anyone yet so not only could I not call my mom and have her say nice things to make me feel better. But Kyle had a missionary meeting to go to and no good excuse to stay home with me. So I was alone with my angry/hungry/sad/sick feelings.

An Update? That's Crazy!

So we have not done much to warrant an update on here, OK well we bought a house. But we are working really hard on it. Wait no. We are hardly working on it. Yeah that sounds more right.

However, there was a rather large development that happened in May but we didn't share until July. That is we are expecting! And yes we were trying. It is silly how many times you might get asked that. And also yes it is Kyle's, best question I was asked when I said I was pregnant.

So before I left for NYC in early May I took a test just to be sure I could have as much fun as I wanted, and you know what? That test said be crazy and party like a rock star because who cares it's only your body. SCORE! So I went on my merry way knowing that at some point I would encounter the dread week of ladyness. So the first week past and nothing. Crap. NYC will be ruined for sure. Second week. Nothing. Crap. Now I am pretty sure I am pregnant and that test lied and I ate a hot dog and didn't eat much else for a whole week. Crap. I have to email Kyle. Aren't I suppose to be sitting in a bathroom with him and jumping up and down and happy and crying? Not emailing like some 1 date wonder? This is not what that test promised. I emailed Kyle and we talked over Google Talk (that's what it was made for right?), thank Heavens that I got that android device for my birthday last year or I wouldn't have been able to contact Kyle at all.

So I did what anyone would do at that point. Go to the store and buy a test and make sure? Nope. That's not my style, plus do you know how expensive those things are? I kept waiting. I waited all the way till I was back in my own house. Day count? 18 days since last test. Longest 18 days ever. However it was worth it to take the test with Kyle there and "find out" together. Though I still didn't believe the test. I think I shall keep doubting that test till a baby pops out. After all the first one lied.

Why I Love Cross Border Shopping

So I was in Niagara for the weekend and thought I would share a deal I got with the few of you who read my blog.

This was on the front of the Tops flyer. I could hardly believe it, all I had to do was buy the beef and I get all those groceries free? Well I needed to have my trusty Tops Savings Card, but I got that a couple years ago when they had a good sale on chips.

The beef was a little more expensive then I would usually pay but it was better quality then I usually buy.

So what was the total for all that?

$18.79. Plus 5cent deposit on the pop bottle, but I get that back when I go back and recycle it at Tops. A total savings of $22.30.

I saved so much that I went to Walmart down the street and bought Hersey's Bliss White Chocolate Hot Chocolate and Pumpkin Spice marshmallows (that bills came to a whopping $3.75).

PS. I am aware that you aren't suppose to bring meat back over the border unless it is frozen. But it was a good deal and I am using it for personal consumption so I think its ok.

PPS. Tops Friendly Markets is located at 7200 Niagara Falls Blvd Niagara Falls,NY 14304.

PPPS. Also filled up at Smokin Joe's for 91.9 cents a liter.